Entry ~ 107 (Transcribed From My Unsent Letter)
Dear Nobody Anymore,
It's been a long time since we last spoke. Sometimes, I have difficulty remembering what you sound like. I know that sounds terrible and I'm truly sorry for that... however, I promised myself if I wrote I would be completely honest, so here it is. I can still see you from time to time but to keep myself sane, I've learned to try not to. Now that I'm reading this.. it's starting to sound cold. It's an unfortunate thing, circumstance. We have to adapt to what's in front of us so that it doesn't destroy us. It's been far too long and yet.. it will be longer still. I don't know that I'll ever make it back and depending on what happens here I don't know that I want to. As hard as it is to say, I would just prefer if you remembered me the way you knew me, not the way I am now. I know I've made some decisions that you would have advised against and I'm not sure you could ever look at me the same.
Even though you've never been one to judge me some of these things you wouldn't be able to understand, at least.. not completely. Your conviction has always been a sense of strength for you and in that regard, I'm following very closely in your path. Though, our understanding of it is much different. Things you wouldn't allow yourself to do, I willingly embrace. I can't share the same ideals because given my circumstances I can't afford that luxury. Out here people who stick rigidly to their ideas are either shattered by them or they end up not knowing what to believe in anymore. So, I hold one ideal and allow myself the freedom to do what's needed to ensure that ideal comes to fruition. It's not easy and sometimes it leaves me questioning whether or not I'm really helping but it's all I've got for now. After all, he who is not willing to bend will break. Your father used to tell me that all the time. It's funny how I didn't see the wisdom in it until now. What's even funnier, is I didn't 'remember' it until now. He always was a wise man. He didn't always say what you 'wanted' to hear but he always found a way to speak on the things you 'needed' to hear. We had our differences but I've always respected him and If I knew then, what I know now, I would have paid more attention. Regardless, I hope you're all doing alright. I take comfort in the fact that you've always been strong and it makes sleeping a little easier. Even with as long as it's been I hope in the back of your mind you still think of me from time to time. At the same time I hope you don't miss me. I know that sounds callous but that's not the way It's intended. I just mean that I hope you've gotten to a point in your life that you're happy and the thought of me isn't weighing you down. I do want you to know though, that when I first got here, getting back was all I could think about. You, were all I could think about. I worried about how you were doing and if you were managing okay and then it hit me. Of course you are. You're you. To be perfectly honest I can't allow myself to entertain those thoughts anymore, out here it'll get me killed. There is someone here that reminds me of you though. You share a lot of the same qualities and to be honest it does help. It's nothing more than reciprocated passing glances, and the occasional awkward conversation, but she's worth mentioning. I've actually got an important role in something much bigger than myself. I think you'd be proud of me in that sense at least. I also have people that I can trust around me that genuinely care about my wellbeing so I'm being looked after as well. I hope that's still the case with you. Well, as much as I hate to cut this short I have responsibilities that I have to take care of and people who depend on me to do my job. I hope you're okay.
-Sazo.