[Rastopher]

I am not in the habit of keeping a record of my life, but so much has happened recently it's been difficult to sort my thoughts. It is my hope that writing them down will help give me clarity I am sorely needing.

Today, our group chanced upon the plans of a tribe of gnolls to attack a nearby village. We arrived too late to save them. This leaves a particularly bitter taste in my mouth as it reminds me all too much of my past. Of the time my friends and family were all cut down before my eyes by orcs. The foul creatures spread such horror and despair with gleeful expressions of bloodlust and ecstasy. I hate them...I think I'll always hate them. Ogres, trolls, gnolls and the like are no better. They're all stupid brutes that live for nothing other than to destroy. I would crush them all had I the power...but I do not.

I can do nothing for the victims of the past, but I can do much for the victims of the future. Every evil creature I cut down is another innocent victim saved. One less filthy parasite to prey on the weak. To that end, I must become stronger. Strong like Snacks or The Reaver, Isabeau. I deeply respect and admire their strength and aspire to such heights. Such strength feels so far away from me, however. I pursue it so doggedly, yet it comes so slowly. It frustrates me. I want to inspire terror in the hearts of evil they way they terrorize innocents. I'm just not there yet.

Lately I've begun to think that perhaps I should seek out other things aside from revenge. Such thoughts led me to a meeting for the Tel'Quessir. There, I met others who welcomed me openly and warmly. I've made friends that I am proud to stand beside. I was given a flower by Celebrithrade and, while I would normally dismiss and discard such a trivial thing, I can't seem to bring myself to. It was a gift from the first real friend I've made in these lands. It warms my heart to look upon it and think of the friendship it represents.

As much as I love the new bonds I've been building, a fear grows inside me. Sometimes when I look at Celebrithrade, I can hear the screams of my kin as they were cut down and a cold terror grips my heart. I don't know what I would do if I lost her as well. That's why I've taken it upon myself to protect her with my life, if need be. She can be naive to a fault, but her endless optimism and love have the potential to change the world for the better. I truly believe that. I, on the other hand, can only endlessly hate my enemies.

For now, the hunt continues. I hope that in the coming days, I will find my own way to impact the world.

[Rastopher]

I have begun taking steps towards my goal. Celebrithrade spoke to me of a celestial blade. It was her desire that I wield it. I'm deeply honored by her trust in me, both in telling me of the blade and wishing me to be the one to carry it. Before I can, however, it must be cleansed of a curse that taints it and renders it untouchable. If I am to be the one who wields such a blade then I feel it's doubly important I be involved in its cleansing process. I am eager to begin, but more information must be gathered.

I don't intend to stand idly by and wait, however. There's more that can be done in the meanwhile. Isabeau spoke to me of a suit of armor that can be made by stitching together the hides of trolls. While slightly morbid, the armor is supposed to be quite effective and even grants its wearer a measure of a troll's ability to regenerate. Such a thing would be a massive boon to me. It would also help inspire fear in any of the grotesque things that saw me approaching while wearing it. I can't wait to see the looks on their stupid faces.

I'm also addressing another issue I've been faced with. While my bow is of excellent quality, the arrows I've been using with it leave much to be desired. Higher quality arrows, however are absurdly expensive. Every time I fire one I can count the gold I'm shooting away. For that, I've begun taking up weapon smithing. I hope to reach a skill level where I can make quality arrows for myself that are a bit more worthy of such a fine bow.

It feels good to have a direction to move in. I will not allow myself to be paralyzed with fear. Nor will I let others shoulder the burden of fighting evil alone. Progress isn't immediate, but it IS happening. I will become more than I am now. I swear it.

[Rastopher]

Useless...I'm simply useless.

It would seem I've been letting pride get the better of me as of late. In truth, all of my perceived accomplishments were done by me simply hiding behind others who are stronger and more capable than me. If I try to stand on the front line, I'm simply pushed back. I'm no warrior and I'm not strong at all.

This seems to be the constant struggle I face in my life. I'm never strong enough to accomplish anything. That's how it was when my village was torn apart by orcs and that's how it is now. I've been using those stronger than me and while they do the brunt of the fighting, I sit back with a bow. I've been using them and taking their accomplishments as my own. I'm disgusted with myself...

My frustration at my weakness has reached a breaking point, but I know not what to do with it. I nearly stormed off to challenge Edulis to a duel knowing full well I would lose. I just can't stand feeling so useless anymore! Instead, I sit here as my feelings boil over and can do nothing but cry as my feelings have no other outlet.

I don't know what to do anymore so here I sit, weeping bitterly at my own ineptitude.

I hate myself.

[Rastopher]

Here I sit, once again, mired in confusion and helplessness.

I want so badly to help Celebrithrade. To share her burdens. Whenever I try to get her to tell me about what's wrong, she simply says she's sworn to secrecy. Her becoming loremaster was a mistake. She was too pure, too innocent for the darkness that position has exposed her to.

I'm unsure what I can do for her. I've considered imploring the elven counsel to reconsider her position, but I don't know if they'd listen to me. Even if they did, there's the risk of her losing her position pushing her even deeper into darkness...I just don't know. I feel like I'm losing her and no matter what I do, she keeps slipping further and further from my grasp. She's the closest thing to family I've had since I lost everything. The thought of losing her too terrifies me.

This is especially vexing as it comes after her speech to me about humbling myself and finding strength in allies. She tells me that, then goes off and suffers alone, "sworn to secrecy." How could anyone be okay with that?

I must also question the wisdom of the other members of the elven counsel. They have to have known the risks of such a position. Did they really not consider the risk of exposing someone like Celebrithrade to such darkness? I just don't understand, like always.

I'm so tired and confused. It would be so much easier to just let go of everything. Every time I entertain that thought, however, something inside of me screams out in defiance and outrage, refusing to let me give up. I've yet to determine whether I love or hate that side of myself. It sure makes things more difficult for me...

[Rastopher]

I'm quite proud of my sister and the progress she's made. She's been through a terrible ordeal and emerged stronger for it. It's quite a relief to see. I no longer worry for her the way I did before. I think she may even be stronger than me, now.

That admission fills me with pride, but also carries with it a sting of sadness...and perhaps even a small measure of envy. Not only does she no longer need my protection, she's reached new heights I've yet to reach myself. This is, by far, preferable to losing her to madness, of course. I just hope she doesn't get so far ahead of me I can no longer reach her. She's become someone important while I still grapple with feelings of inadequacy and anger. It pains me that my heart has dark corners that won't give way to the joy she deserves me to feel for her. I truly do love her dearly.

I'm very grateful to her as well. She's awakened feelings in me I'd long thought lost forever. They were there all along, simply buried. She brought them forth, seemingly effortlessly. Just by being herself and being there for me. It brings to memory the name I'd left in the past long ago. The person I was before I gave myself to the title of "The Huntress". Was I truly right to abandon myself like that? The more I think on it, the less I believe so. I was an incomplete person and didn't even care.

Perhaps the timing is approaching where I take up my name again. I'd never have even fathomed that was a possibility in the past. Doing so would require me to confront much about my past and...I'm unsure if I'm ready for such an ordeal quite yet...

[Rastopher]

** This entry is written in shaky handwriting **

It's back.

I thought I'd beaten it. Thought the rage had subsided enough for me to have some semblance of a normal life. I thought if I stayed with my sister that would be enough to banish such violent urges from me.

I was wrong.

Those beasts! Those savages! All they do is TAKE! The very idea of offering them mercy if they surrender makes me want vomit. They would use that mercy to kill and take EVEN MORE! I HATE THEM!

Mercy? No...they'll never get such a thing as long as I draw breath. Only the same death and despair they visit upon others.

[Rastopher]

She's gone...

The day after I told my sister how much she meant to me, how much I needed her in my life, she was taken from me. It happened so quickly I couldn't even say goodbye. Celebrithrade is dead, and I've lost my family once again. I don't really know what to do about it at this point. I think I may still be in shock. I keep hoping I'll wake from this awful nightmare and she'll be there.

I feel...hollow. Empty inside. It's as if a part of me died with her. My poor, dear sister gave me my life back. She gave me a home and a cause to fight for outside of hatred. My gratitude to her will last for an eternity. I'd sworn to protect her with my life in return for all she'd given me; but instead she gave her life to save mine. I feel selfish and ashamed. As if I took far more from her than I gave back. I wonder if she felt that way. She never would have admitted it even if she did. I guess that will be a question that will forever remain unanswered.

So much has happened so quickly. Moments after my sister is lost to me, my grandfather I'd long thought dead shows himself to me. I suppose I should be thrilled, but... my emotions have gone numb. I suppose this is my mind protecting itself, lest I lose myself to overwhelming sorrow.

My grandfather spoke briefly of some ancient elven relic he wished for me to retrieve. He said after recent events, he'd reconsidered my worthiness for such a thing. I never knew my grandfather very well in the past. Perhaps he resented my mother pairing with a human. It's hardly an uncommon sentiment among elves. After speaking briefly, he left me to mourn, understanding he'd found me at a bad time. I'm sure I'll see him again once I've recovered.

The blade my sister left behind is with me. I consider it the remaining remnants of her will to do good and combat the darkness. It is strange, however. The blade is filled with a yearning. As if it calls out to be completed. My grandfather noticed it as well when we spoke and seemed to think it was related to that relic he spoke of. It seems to me that is the next logical step in my journey.

But first... I need time...

** The end of the journal entry bears a few stains and slight smudges of ink from tears **