[Eternally_Faithful]

The betrayal was worse then I thought, it wasn't just Rhods whining like a child as I suspected, Snacks ordered it. I will have to speak to Pariah, its done a lot of damage to me and my father. How could Snacks truly think it would do otherwise. Then to say my emotions and feelings mean jack shit in comparison to the others? Now I really feel like I am back in the enclaves. I thought these were supposed to be great Knights, not brutal thugs. How does a compassionless jerk become a Knight? Knights are supposed to mean something, at least in any story I have ever heard of Knights. I have to know whats going on, its hard to even accept all this. Pariah has to make this right. Someone has to prove these Knights are more then just heartless thugs.

Apparently I scared dad when I went completely out of it after the talk with Snacks. The pain quickly became too much and I shut down as always. I was forced back to awareness by pain which always seems to bring me back from those thoughts. This stress isn't healthy, every time we seem to make progress to make my life a little better, something happens to slam me back down. I'm not even hungry anymore again, there's no desire to eat anymore and no care.

Dad and me just spent most of the night trying to bring me back around emotionally, but there's still some rejection to it, accepting that Keelie is gone is just too much to take in all at once on top of everything else, never mind that my emotions don't apparently matter at all to the Swords, I'm just some freak monster that should be treated as one. Guess I held out too much hope for them really being heroes and true Knights of the stories. I begin to question if the Knights I always heard of and dreamed of, are even real, or just stories.

[Eternally_Faithful]

I saw Pariah today, she said she was gonna try and fix what Snacks did. She knows how badly I need Keelie in my life, she doesn't have to answer dad, and dads not to call her like that again, but cutting her out of my life is very painful for me and I can't handle it.

I also saw Keelie today. My heart practically jumped out of my throat when I saw her, the relief instant. We spoke for a full day, and she learned my darkest secret, about my worst habit when I get overly stressed. She didn't get mad or upset like dad did, she actually seemed rather understanding. She promised she would keep seeing me, so long as messages like dads last one wasn't repeated again. I promised her it wouldn't be, dad panicked and made a bad call, but she understands why he did it.

She still wants to purge the demon, and made me promise never to use it to protect her ever as she doesn't trust him. I can understand the hesitation so I agreed for her sake and to make her feel more safe with me. She trusts me and I trust her. It feels so much better to have that weight off my heart now that shes back. As I told Pariah, I need Keelie in my life, she is exactly what I think of when I think of a Knight, kind, caring, compassionate, upholds morals and valor, she will one day change the Knights for the better I think.

Keelie gives me reason to fight the darkness, to keep hoping for a future where I don't have to be afraid anymore, I made sure today she knows that fully. I do not ever want to lose her like that ever again, it scared me and left me deeply wounded in ways I could not process. The new scars she saw made her cry when she saw them, I instantly felt guilty yet I can't just stop, its not a habit that's easy to stop and it really does work.

I have a new assignment now, a Shadow Iron Exceptional Flail for the Commander. Another gift of offering for him. Hes not willing to see me just yet, but he at least took notice of my creation of the swords that I had made and offered. Its a start. Its better then the start he first gave me. I think Pariah really does care, she has a great way of showing it, she even hugged me today to try and make me feel better when I told her what Snacks had done.

I'm not allowed to leave the cave now, dads orders, the pneumonia has hit a peak and dad wants me on literal bed rest until he says otherwise. Even if it means most of his time will be devoted directly to staying with me directly. He has said all the Swords stuff, Keelie, everything goes on hold until I am better, I don't blame him, the coughing is near unbearable.

[Eternally_Faithful]

Its amazing what two days of sleep can do for someone, especially as sick as I was. Though the cough is nearly gone and I am glad for that, will mean I will be off this medication soon, it tastes horrible even with the added berries for flavor. Dads kept fairly close to me during all this and its been nice not having to worry about him, though I know something is stressing him, and I am not sure what but I won't press yet, he doesn't think I have realized it, but I am far more aware then he realizes.

My armor crafting is improving, I am getting very comfortable with helmets now to a point I think a bit more work and I will be able to work on Shadow Iron helmets and maybe one day finally forge my own master crafted plate and tower shield. Its been a lot of work and very expensive for sure, though I think in the long run it will be worth it. I'm just not sure what I will do when I do master weapon and armor crafting. Though I do still have an order to finish when dad will actually let me travel beyond the iron mines again. He doesn't want me going beyond there yet until I am stronger.

The stress has been gone since speaking to Keelie, I don't feel that dark burden anymore over me and I think that's a good thing. I know Rod hates me, even though I don't know why, hes one of the very few who openly admit they understand my mental standings even though he seems to forget it every time we talk, if we talk. I do need Keelie there though, shes a greater support for me then almost anyone outside of dad. Dad I find vastly important to my growth and development, though Keelie I find spiritual connection to. Hopefully this continues to work out. I may even go to the abbey today while dads out to try and reconnect there.

[Eternally_Faithful]

I spent most of today at the Abbey, praying, seeking guidance and perhaps a new path. Dad showed up later this eve and started talking about going to Hadrian..he knows I hate when he goes there. He promised me we wouldn't step foot in Hadrian again, not after what happened last time that almost cost me half of my life, if not eventually killing me. I got upset typically and pushed away the food he tried to press which caused it to fall over and spill, then he snapped at me for it.

Hearing him snap like that, I immediately broke down. I can't handle him being angry with me, or snapping at me, I know he immediately regretted it when he saw my reaction, but I couldn't help reacting that way. Emotional and mental distress I cannot handle, physical I can take at any time.

Now I sit here, waiting for him to return, praying I am wrong about this bad feeling that likes to loom in my heart every time I hear he's going there, I guess the promise was worthless about us never going there again. Not the first time I have had promises broken, I should be used to it by now I guess. No ones immune to saying what someone wants to hear, promising them something to make things seem better then they are, then throwing them away when its not convenient anymore.

[Eternally_Faithful]

Its been about 2 days since I have had much to write in here, but for the lack of the two days, today's update is one to remember. I found myself back at the Abbey, seeking prayer and further insight when Pariah showed up. We spoke about my crafting, my dads issues and how to proceed in helping him, thankfully she is very willing to help. We spoke about my connections with Selune and my progress, and where I should go next and even the Demon.

That's when the most amazing thing actually happened. A silvery light appeared before Selunes altar where I had been praying only a few hours prior, out from the silvery light came a divine creature of pure light, even I knew then, Selune was answering me.

The creature told me she had heard my pleas and that if I sought to continue her path, I needed to seek out the family of the woman I had killed and seek redemption through them.  This task will be very difficult, likely forcing me to do many things I will hate, especially being in Hadrian at all, but it is the only way to move forward.

I asked for Selunes guidance and it would be wrong to ignore her now that she has officially answered me. Soon after the creature left us behind and I was left to my thoughts with Pariah and Father Dich. Father Dich admitted he didn't originally have much faith in me, but with Selunes presence speaking for me, he was willing to reconsider. He took off his holy symbol as he approached me, and clasped it around my neck. I admit it is very comforting to have a holy symbol back around my neck.

Shortly after he went on his way back to prayer, I left the Abbey and made for Hadrian, spent some time speaking with Keelie and Snacks, seeking their aid as they are more connected in Hadrian then I am currently and, with my hesitation in being here, it makes things harder. They have agreed to ask around and if they find the family first, to ask their blessings to tell me where they are. While in town I also made a point to stop and cast my vote as appropriate. Now to head back home, before dad worries too much.

[Eternally_Faithful]

Well, things are going smoothly if a bit slower then I would like, but like many things this will require patience. I have found and met with Chester, he is looking into his contacts and will get back to me as soon as possible, he is thankfully not nearly as judging as some of the people of Hadrian, I think I could actually get to like him. Snacks and Keelie are also source checking into things so, one of us is bound to find them. Hopefully. As Snacks said though, if they refuse to see me, then at least I will have made the effort, its all I can do, and I hope its enough for Selune if that becomes the case.

The cough seems to be completely gone finally, which I am very glad for and my ribs are, I think, fully healed. So thats a plus, they don't hurt anymore so that can only mean good things. I have made one decision recently though and figuring out how to do it will be the hard part. Removing the Demon once and for all. This time, he wont sway my judgement. This time, I have too much I care about losing to let go of. It will likely be very painful and possibly even dangerous, but I have to protect my father and Keelie. I have to try.

[Eternally_Faithful]

Things keep getting weird, first was Nica being in the Sullivans craft hall, literally interrogating me about my old scars, she even managed to get my demon out to speak with her....from what I gather it told her everything. I don't trust her with such secrets, but now more then ever I can't make her an enemy. I will have to keep a close watch on her, but its good to know she was lying about her bedding Keelie. Likely just trying to get under my skin.

I'm waiting to hear back from Chester regarding the next step of my redemption, the Archon said that he was the one to speak to, so now I wait for him to gather more details. I wonder what they will want me to do, I hope nothing that will compromise my beliefs. I won't know till then though.

I have started working on dads heart, the part of him he keeps closely guarded even from me. He doesn't mean to, and I know I cracked it today. Dad fell into my old habit of wanting to run away from the topic, I let him for now not wanting to press too hard too fast. We will get through this though, and I know I cracked it, so hes not beyond pulling back from that darkness. It will just take a fair bit of patience and work. Likely, several such conversations like the last one. Getting him to slowly open the door and be willing to look inside and actually experience the emotions.

[Eternally_Faithful]

I hate keeping things from my father, but this letter from Nica demands I see her alone, I already know if I tell him he will instantly forbid such, but if I don't then she might rat me out to the Enclaves. Damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I will see her, see what she wants, then tell dad about it. It will keep the peace even if he's not truly happy about it. I know he would forbid me to see her without him. Try to protect me. I wonder what she wants this time? I have already caught her in two lies, what more does she want from me other then to cause more pain?

Dad at least seems to have slept well. He seems far more relaxed then before. I wonder if the talk we had last night helped any, opening that door may have released some pressure that had been sitting for a long time. I really hope what I am doing helps in the long run, though I know hes gonna fight it in the beginning, just like I did. Its painful to confront those memories and emotions, to feel the fear and pain once more. Its easy to hide in the darkness and pretend it doesn't exist.

The problem is in hiding in the darkness, we lose sight of whats good and whats real. Our actions become based solely on survival at all costs. Not minding who suffers or gets hurt in the long run. Keelie and Arthur and Dad stepped up to help me when everyone else had given up. They refused to let me be lost in the darkness forever. Had they left me to it, I likely would be gone now. Forever lost to a greater darkness.

I have seen the darkness first hand, how easy it becomes to justify vicious acts of cruelty with a wave of the hand. Murder was easy until it came to facing the consequences of it which I still need to answer for. Hurting others and lashing out was easier then accepting I could be wrong, it was easier to project the pain onto others, then admit I was lost and needed help. Its been a long struggle and fight to move past the pain and try and find a way back to the light. I'm not there yet, I can still feel times when its easier to surrender to the pain and the darkness, to give in to what would be easier. It can be very tempting honestly. Yet I know in backsliding in this, I cannot guide my father from it, I cannot gain the freedom I truly seek from it all, and once again just become another victim.

I cannot and will not become their victim again. May Selune guide me, and help me guide my father in freeing him from the very same darkness, before he is lost beyond reach, for I fear I am the only one that truly cares enough to see past his darkness, and keep reaching. If I don't, he will truly be destroyed.

[Eternally_Faithful]

So a few things to update,

First off, Nica did exactly what I feared, blackmailing me into serving her or else she will rat me out to the Enclaves, she also forbade me to tell dad, though she didn't forbid me from telling the Swords, Snacks, Keelie and Rhod and Raul already know, and waiting on Pariah to report in to her. I will not be someones dog on a leash, I already escaped that and I am not as weak as I was before my escape.

Funny enough, I may have found a solution to my Demon issue, his name is Masqualyn, he is what is known as a Dark Elf. Very exotic looking and a priest of Vhaeraun, he has run some tests already to see how the demon responds to things and thinks he may have a way to actually be able to remove him.

I offered him a key to my home, its the least I can do and we outsiders from the general people need to stick together. He seems very friendly if a bit lonely as he met me on the boat, I have never seen one of his kind before though he seems very interesting. Hes promised to tell me more of his culture at some point, like this trance thing..cause elves don't sleep, they can apparently have a form of nightmare, but are always well rested. Also in their culture wearing less is a sign of power cause your showing you don't need armor and wards to protect yourself. I admit I am very curious.

For now he has gone wandering the night, content to have a safe home to come back to out of the sunlight that hurts his eyes, wonder if its a sun allergy. I know what it feels like to desire a safe home to come home too, I hope he feels safe and secure here. Its the least I can offer after all.

[Eternally_Faithful]

This will be my last entry, even as I write, I am cold, I can feel the strength draining from me even as I don the armor. I won't be able to wear it long, its weight alone causes me to bleed more. Though I will need it just long enough to get to the safety of the Abbey, one last time.

Snacks, Rhod, Rassali, they have murdered my father. This time though, he didn't come back, and nothing we did worked. He was beyond saving and out of our reach. I spent hours on the bed with him, begging, pleading, desperate for any proof they were wrong, listening for his heart to once again start, but in the end, it was for nothing. I made the final letters I needed to, one to the Dame Lucil, one to Dame Pariah, one to the Moonglow family and this final entry.

I also ensured that Masqualyn inherited my home. The Sullivan has promised me so long as Mas follows the laws, he will be protected as a citizen and incharge of my old house. I hope he enjoys it. I have him all my Shadow Iron gear.

the writing on this part of the page becomes shaky as if struggling to stay focused, blood smearing on the page.

I must get to the Abbey before my strength finally fully fades, I want to be close to Selune, to feel safe again even if only for a brief time, but I know I am running out of time. Do I hate the Swords for what they have done to me?...At one time, that would have been a very simple yes, yet now, I must say no. Snacks and Rhod seemed very angry individuals, suffering their own issues that made them blind to the pain they were causing. I pray Selune will grant them mercy.

It seems I am docking at the old wharf, and with my strength failing, I don't have time to write as much as I would wish. So whomever finds this journal, please, remember that mercy and kindness, goes further then shunning someone, an open door can lead to amazing things. Finally...to Keelie...I am very sorry that Rhod is gone. I wish I could be there to hold and comfort you as this news reaches you, but sadly I cannot. Please be at peace, and know I still love you. Even now.

Signed one last time: Trent Dusdrassius...formerly Trent Michale Lormain.

The book is left on the ship for someone to find, though Trents body is not available to anyone without DM Blackhearts prior approval.

// Took me a long time to find a song that suits the closure of Trents and Pheroth in the way it did, but I think this song really touches home for the two of them - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gq-4vIIJO30