Entry - 98
Hey Sis, Hey Snacks. Snacks, I could really use some of your guidance right now. A literal shit-storm has erupted and honestly I'm not sure what I should do. It's more a misunderstanding than anything but it's gotten a bit out of hand. To put it simply... I felt like a friend was pushing back, and at the same time questioning my loyalty to the house, and my decisions. It's Three. We've been in disagreement about a few things lately, I after a few exchanges it took a turn that I never thought I'd see. Every decision I've made to this point has benefited the house in some fashion. Every person I've initiated, every calculated move, every investigation. There are two things in this life that I most certainly am. I'm a warrior, and good at my job. She outright defied me and proceeded to tell me that I was out of line and I was breaking protocols. Honestly, I don't think she intended for it to come off the way it did, but it's clear that If I don't say something, or do something about it, this kind of thing is going to continue. Worst of all... this was in front of potential initiate. Not only did it make me look bad individually, it made the house appear weak. You know I don't agree with Slavery, I abhor it. It has nothing to do with the fact she's a slave, it's more than the rank structure wasn't followed and the things I already mentioned. To be perfectly honest, if it had been a recruit that acted that way toward me, they would have suffered a fate far worse. I would have taken the liberty to decide what the punishment was, and enact it myself. Neither of which I did in this case. ((The quill evidently sat here a minute as the writer collected his thoughts)) I'm conflicted. I have a friend that I want to speak with because I want to get to the root of all this and settle it, and on the other hand I have a position in this house that holds certain responsibilities. Trust is important. I feel like there should have been enough trust between us, for her to know that what I was doing was in the best interest of the house.
It's a convoluted fucking mess is what it is. She was publicly whipped, and while I wanted to go see her after, I felt like I was the last person in the world she would want to see so I decided against it. I don't know...but I'm hopeful this will somehow get worked out. I didn't expect it to go down like this, I assumed a 'stern talking to' was in order and I just wanted to bring to light what I thought was a personal situation turning badly. We cannot have this type of disruption amongst our ranks, it just simply cannot happen. In order to be efficient, calculated and good at what we do, we need unity in the house at the very least. At the same time, we can't have slaves, initiates, subordinates refusing orders or deciding they aren't going to do something because they don't want to, that sets a bad example if allowed and I will not allow myself to be the cause or reason of it. I've worked too fucking hard to get where I am to have it collapse on me now.
Changing Subjects now. Corven has turned out to be someone I really needed. I didn't know it at the time... or.. maybe I did... I don't know, but I think I needed him as much as he needed me. I lost both of you, this whole disaster with three, It's just too much. I'm alone. I'm alone in the task, in mind, and in spirit. I honestly wish I could just crawl into the woods somewhere and stay there. With Corven though, I've found more than a ward. He's loyal to a fault, he'd literally run into a fire and stand in it if I told him to, simply because I give him a direction but more than that I think he understands that I'm offering him the family he wants. To that end... I am. He's endearing in his own way, he's also wise, people just haven't been in the habit of listening to him very much because of his station. I allow him to sleep in my quarters whenever he feels the need. I offered him the couch and followed the direction but made a comment about being willing to sleep at the foot of the bed. He was reaching out. He didn't know that, but I did. I would by lying to you, and to myself if I said that I didn't care about him. He's helped heal me and he doesn't even know it. At the moment... he's my best friend. I've already decided that I'm going to break his bonds, even if it means I have to buy him outright, and release him. Though, I hopeful the house will see his value, not in gp, but what he can and does offer. If they do, I will move to intiate him as soon as possible.
I'll admit the house is a bit stuffy, as it's always been, it's no secret I'd rather be in the open woods but sadly my work needs me here. For whatever reason, I've always gravitated toward the woods... In that sense, I've always had an affinity for my Elven Heritage. Something about it calls me back. It's the same feeling I got when I wandered into that cave, which ultimately led to me slipping through time and ending up here, so I should probably be careful of that 'gravity.'